Sleep: WTF

I have been blessed with an amazing sleeper.  She goes down at 8:30pm and gets up at the 6:00am the next morning.  My rock star has been doing this for ages.  I know, so what am I going to complain about right?  WTF happens when you become a mother to your former sleep patterns?  Even though my angel sleeps I still get up at 5am regardless of when I go to sleep.  It ruins me, I can't play with my friends anymore. My husband and I get very little time together because I fall asleep on his chest the minute my girl get puts down.  Oh, and forget having a glass of wine in the evening.  The minute I do that, although I am tired, I can't fall asleep so then it's even worse.  I am zombie.  It's like my body doesn't know what to do with more than 6 hours of sleep and I used to be the kind of girl where 7 hours I could function but 8 hours was ideal and I was feeling at my best at the time.  I want to be a good sleeper again and I am not sure what to do about it.  This really sucks right now.  And no I am not stressed, I don't have a thing to worry about.  The only thing I can think of is I am not working out anymore.  Which also sucks, but I am not coping well with working, daycare and mommy time.  It's the one thing I can't fit back into my life.  I know, if I am up at 5 am why don't I just go for a run?  Because I hate running.  I really find it pointless and I don't want to be in the cold.  The only thing I hate more than running is winter.  I am starting to think I have no choice though.  It's the one thing that I can fit in anywhere, anytime so it's been weighing on me to kick my ass into gear.  WTF, let's give it a shot and see if I can start sleeping better.

If anyone has any advice or words of support I'd love to hear it.  Also, if you want to join me for an early morning run it might get the motivation going.

My Favourite Photo for the holiday season

Hello Mommies:  Continuing from last week's entry I thought that I would share one of my favourite pictures that illustrates the holiday season.  I hope you enjoy it.  Secondly, I had my work holiday lunch and I told them about the year I spent buying absolutely nothing new and how hard the first 6 months were.  One colleague told me to write about it and I love the idea.  I am going to collect my thoughts and memories and pull a few things together that I will share over the next few weeks.

Mommy Rant time: No More Stuff

I know it's been a little while but I am finally ready to write about something.  I spent yesterday helping out at Project Warmth, http://www.projectwarmth.ca/.  Project Warmth is a grassroots Toronto based organization that collects donations of gently used baby and children clothing for teen moms.  The items are sorted and then re-gifted as lovely packages.  My job this year was to sort clothing for little girls ages 0-6 months.  It is a really fulfilling thing for me to do because I am big proponent of buying used in general.  Let's face it my little Belle grows out of clothes in no time so I never see the point of buying her anything new.  She wears the same stuff to daycare every day; jeans, t-shirt and a sweater.  Keeps her warm and while she is getting the walking thing down the jeans protect her little knees.  She's also pretty tidy for the most part so I don't change her outfits during the day all that often.  Back to yesterday at Project Warmth.

The amount of stuff we got as a donation for the little ones was a little thinner this year than in years past.  I think it feels that way because the same people donate and their kids are getting bigger so there wasn't much stuff for the tiny ones.  I actually only donated some books because I am not sure if I am done having children but I could really kick myself though.  I have a ridiculous amount of stuff for my little girl and most of it has been gifted to her.  Although I appreciate the generosity I can't get over how much I have versus how much I need.  A friend posted a link on facebook that's an oldie but so appropriate for this time of year.  It's the Story of Stuff, http://www.storyofstuff.com/.  Really we need nothing for Christmas this year and neither does my daughter.  If you feel the need, shop thrift for a treasure.  A vintage piece of jewelry, used books and a home cooked meal would be heavenly.  Give me a lasagna for my freezer so I don't have to cook one night and I'd be a happy lady.  Not only that, a few weeks ago I found a book for Belle at Value Village that was my brother's favourite as a child.  It's long been out of print and I was so excited to find it that I don't think anything new could have given me that kind of thrill.

Don't stress and don't care so much about shopping folks.  It really means so little at the end of it all.

Recipe Time: Multi Grain Blueberry Banana Bread

Well moms, my amazing little eating maching has started getting picky.  If the pasta isn't fresh she won't eat it (no microwaved left-overs for my girl.).  Breakfast can be a bust.  She was loving the Pita Break Apple cinnamon pita's but that's no more.  Bananas, grapes, raspberries are hit and miss and forget anything with milk, it flies across the room.  Yogurt, for who knows how long, is still our friend.  God bless Stonyfield!  What does seem to go over well is this recipe I found on the back of the PC frozen blueberries.  I modified slightly because I don't buy processed cereals.  I am an oatmeal girl through and through.  So this is my modified version, it's not too high in sugar and my Belle and her dad love it.


1 1/2 cups all purpose whole wheat flour
1 cup quick rolled oats
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup wild blueberries, thawed for more flavour
1 cup mashed riped banana, about two
2 eggs
1/4 cup grapeseed oil (I always say I am going to try apple sauce as a substitute but forget to buy it as Belle doesn't eat it)
1/4 cup milk or water

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Spray a 9x5-inch loaf pan with cooking spray (I use a little oil poured onto a tissue and swiped around a non-stick pan personally).

In a large bowl sift together, flour sugar, baking soda.  Stir in oats and blueberries.

In another bowl whisk banana, eggs, and oil.  Using wooden spoon stir banana mixture into flour mixture until just combined.  At this point because the oats absorb all the liquid I add milk or water until I get the desired consistency.  I describe it as a soupy oatmeal.  Try not to overmix.  Spoon into prepared loaf pan.

Bake in the centre rack of the over for 50-55 minutes or until tester comes out clean (toothpick).  Cool in pan for 10 minutes.  Transfer to wire rack to cool completely.

Wow: Breastfeeding is done?

Just like that my Belle doesn't want my milk anymore.   I have been saying that I can't wait for this time to be done.  I also always said I would just follow her lead and I figured she'd let me know when she was ready to be done.  We have been down to the night time feed for a long time.  Now for the past two nights she has just fought out of the blue and sleeps just fine without me.   It's a case of I just wish I knew that I was having my last feed, just to say goodbye.  She's healthy and beautiful but not particularly cuddly.  My feeds with her were the only times when we were both still.  I am going to miss it.  But my gosh she is beautiful.  Mommies just enjoy when you can as it really can end suddenly.

Recipe Time: Veggie here I go

So I think I am going to do it.  I am going to try to do the veggies meals regularly as in most everyday during the week and I found my guide.  http://peasandthankyou.com/recipage/ I'll grab the book from the library, in addition to my favourite, La Dolce Vegan, http://www.govegan.net/ .  My hubby will likely notice by day three but we'll see and I'll chart the adventure.  Gracie and I both do better on a veggie diet so let's see where it takes us.  I am not sure how it will go over, the wife of an Italian and the grand daughter of a German Metzger (butcher) but it will be fun.  Wish me well.

Let's talk parenting taboos: Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman | Video on TED.com

Let's talk parenting taboos: Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman Video on TED.com

I know in my last post I indicated that I would share a few family recipes. It was hubby's birthday and I promised him ribs, grandma's banana cake with peanut butter frosting. Well guess what. I was busy. Working , day care pick-up and dealing with a little sick baby. Life got in the way. He got a McCain Deep and Delicious chocolate cake, with pizza and wings. And you know what? He was still incredibly happy! Guys love those cakes. I don't get it.

Instead I opted to share this video. When I am having horrible moments in motherhood I think of this talk. When I am terrified I am going to ruin my Belle because I am horrible wench of a mom, this video makes me smile. I am not the only one who feels lonely, a failure, hating myself for not loving be a mom, wanting more, not understanding what my new life is going to be etc. It helps and is bloody brilliant. Enjoy mommies and friends.

I Think it's Hitting Me

Well this is the first week where it's hitting that my new normal involves someone else spending more waking time with my little girl.  I am ok with it.  Not great, but ok.  I think it was brought on by a case of diaper rash.  My little girl got her first bought this week, and she never had any problems while I was the one with her.  I dealt with the issue and she healed in 36 hours but I know if I was at home, it never would have happened.  Second issue was juice, yes juice.  I don't want my daughter drinking it and I was pretty clear about that and twice I have picked her up to find juice in her cup.  With childhood obesity rising at an insane rate, not to mention juvenile diabetes juice and all sugary drinks should be outlawed.  How people think it's ok to drink the stuff I'll never know.  Would you sit and eat 3 oranges?  Likely not, so why drink a glass of juice.  Eat an orange, get the fibre with the sweetness.  I love food and that passion has driven me to eat my calories, not drink them.  Anyhow, back to leaving my Belle.  I still think I am a better mommy now that I am working.  I am more patient, and my time with her rarely feels like a chore anymore so maybe I am better than ok.  Maybe I am just still a little angry that she was in pain all because the person I hired for her care doesn't change her diaper enough.  Something that seems so basic just fell through the cracks and really irked me.

Top it all off, I finally changed my birth control pill to something more reliable than micronor (the pill breastfeeding mommies can take without affecting milk supply)  and I think it's messing with me.  My emotions aren't as even as they used to be, but I am not sure if it's the new pill or the changes me and my family are going through.  Some days I think maybe I should try an IUD, I am sure the horror stories of the 80s are a thing of the past, but I am still freaked out by inserting an implant to prevent pregnancies.  I loved not being on the pill.  I have never been happier than those two months I was off the pill trying to get pregnant.  Things just felt fresh all the time.  Hormones are a wild thing.  It's amazing how they enable the body to function, but when hormones are not working properly or are manipulated in some way my mind and by extension my feelings become so unfamiliar. 

On another plus, my Belle made me more relaxed at work.  I work more efficiently so I can get home to see her and the bigger picture seems even bigger now.  I still want to do a good job because I really enjoy my work, but moments of 'did I forget something' or 'will my clients learn something and find their experience valuable' don't plague me anymore.  I won't forget something that can't be fixed and clients are people.  There will always be those looking for fault in something and no matter how hard I try they may not be happy, but treat them with respect and they will remember that.

Anyhow, my next post will be fun.  I'll share my grandma's banana cake with peanut butter frosting recipe with some slow and low cooked ribs.  My hubby's birthday is coming up and I look forward to making his tummy happy and returning the thoughtfulness he showed me on my birthday.  I lucked out with one of the best guys ever. And he's smart and sexy too!

Working 9-5 in Toronto

I have a new appreciation for moms who have to work 9-5.  I am in my third week of work and have been working 8am to 4pm and have felt the change back to work has gone relatively seamless.  I have a nice breakfast with my husband and Belle.  Then Belle and I walk the dog and then I walk her to daycare.  Our daycare provider is about a five minute walk from my house.  My husband waits at home a few minutes, cleans our breakfast dishes and drives to pick me up (he just pulls over to the side of the road and I hop in).  We then head off to work together and I am in the office by 8am.  (I usually put my make-up on at work, I just can't get everything done by 6am).  I leave work by 4:00 pm via the subway and pick-up Belle by 4:30pm.  Belle and I get home on foot, take the dog out for about 20 minutes and I start dinner by 5:00pm.  We all settle into our meal when my husband gets home by 6:30pm.  Then we have a few lovely hours of play time until bed at 8:30.  It works really well. 

I had one day last week where I had to do the driving to work.  I still left by 4:00 pm but the drive was hell.  I didn't get home until closer to 6:00 pm with Belle and it was awful.  I was cranky, exhausted and hungry.  I thought to myself, this is everyday, Monday through Friday for some families and it's flipping nasty.  To top it off it was also my birthday and all I wanted was to be by myself, so instead I opted to cook my own dinner while my husband played with Belle.  I have never been more thankful to my work and my colleagues as I was that night.  Having the kind of job that gives me a little swing time is great.  I know there will be days when I'll have to work until 5pm or later but at least I am prepared for the manic time chase.  It will still suck though!

Oh, and in case anyone is keeping track I have not made it to the gym once yet.  That's this week's challenge that I have made to myself now that Belle is happy and settled into care.  Let's see how this goes.

Return to Work: Week One Down

Well I went through my first week of work and I think I was rather typical. The night before was incredibly sad.  I felt like crying all day.  I packed our day full of fun at the park, bought her a treat to eat (a doughnut, not healthy but the guilt of leaving her won out).  Our first day was sad but I tried not to focus on it too hard.  For me, I am still finding the return to work surreal.  Almost like work is a vacation and that soon enough I'll be called back to be Belle's full time care provider.   It doesn't feel real that this is my new normal. 

I was able to choose a lovely homecare provider that my neighbour has been using for years.  So, I get the amazing word of mouth reference that's worth its weight in gold.  Sure there are a few things that I don't love about the situation but I also feel if I don't have concerns about health or safety than I need to relax a little bit.  Someone is doing a very important job for me that I can't do nor do I want to do full time.  Belle transitioned well.  Not perfect as for the first two days as she thought 4 am wake-up calls were ideal.   All the breastmilk in the freezer is of no use because she doesn't want it, if it's not from mommy.  She's a snob like me.  Food needs to be fresh.  Here are a few tips that worked for us:

• Do a few trial runs with your care provider.  Belle had a couple afternoons so she felt pretty confident.  Not a lot of time, just a few hours was enough. 
• Go back to work at  non-peak times.  I work in education and went back the week before labour day, which meant I had time to just think without a lot of demands being placed on me.  And I was rewarded with a 3-day weekend with my girl.
• Embrace feeling like the new kid in school again.  A lot has changed in a year at my work place and rather than wanting things the way that they were I am excited about being someplace new.  Although it's still really familiar there were things about my job before that could have been better and it's so great having a clean slate in a way.

Dinners went well.  With 4 am wake-up calls the slow cooker went one day.  Then we did some wraps and some fish.  All was excellent and I am hopeful that the new normal will be something that I enjoy. 

With four days of daycare my Belle has already started to learn to be more confident.  She is trying to walk more, climbing stairs and verbally she is already pretty dynamite but I do see improvements.  I am a very proud momma.  She nurses a little more in the evening.  Usually twice but nothing too much out of the ordinary.  So far so good. I am looking forward to more.  Babble is becoming a great source for me and how to think about and cope with parenting http://www.babble.com/ .  I'll look for an amazing video the founders did for TV and blog about it this week.  I think you'll love it.

Recipe Time: Better than Boring Pasta

Hi Bloggies, it's been a few days.  I am on the last day of my maternity leave and my head is all over the map and I need some time to sort out what I am feeling before I post about that.  What I have opted to share with you is my spin on the Carbonara.  While most North Americans believe the carbonara is heavy and creamy, it's not.  The basic recipe is olive oil, an egg, garlic and a little pancetta.  Salty and garlicy and yummy.  I however feel the need to add colour so I tend to add a lot of veggies (to my Italian husband's cries "This is not a carbonara"! ) It's a really fast pasta meal, loaded in veggies that just makes me and my tummy sing.  So here is what you will need:

Your favourite 450g bag of pasta.  (I use penne a lot because I can get it whole grain and it's easier for my little girl to eat.)
4 tbsp olive oil (good quality stuff as this is your sauce)
5-6 Garlic cloves, chopped finely
1 small onion, chopped
Something salty by way of prosciutto, pancetta, bacon etc. (A local deli would give you the ends of the meat for practically nothing if you ask.  You don't even need it sliced because you are just going to chop it finely.)  I would say about 200 grams or 5 slices of bacon.
5 white mushrooms, chopped
1 red pepper, chopped
1 crown of broccoli, chopped
Something leafy green, I like kale, chopped
1 handful or two of frozen peas
1 large egg
6 fresh basil leaves, chopped
Freshly grated Parmesan to taste

Firstly, get your pasta water going and boil your pasta according to package directions.

Then, in a large skillet, add olive oil and begin frying your garlic on medium heat.  After it gets a little fragrant add your proscuitto and onions.  Once the meat is crispy and the onions are translucent (about 3 minutes) start adding the rest of your veggies (except the leafy greens and  peas).  Once your veggies are nice and tender add your leafy green choice until they wilt.  Then throw in your peas to defrost but the remain sweet and tender.  Turn the heat off on your skillet.

By now your pasta should be cooked. Drain the pasta but keep a cup of the pasta water before you strain the pasta.  Just in case you  need to loosen the dish up a bit.  I use a really large skillet, this way I add the pasta directly into the veggie mixture.  Crack your egg on top of the pasta and begin to gently turn the pasta into the veggie mixture.  The egg should coat all the pasta and give it a silky texture.  The heat from the pasta will cook the egg.  If you feel as though your pasta doesn't gently slip around the skillet add a little of your starchy pasta water.  Just a dash at a time, until it is just how you like it.  Toss in your chopped basil and Parmesan and serve this beauty of a dish up.  And this time I remembered pictures folks.  I am getting better.  Super fast and a so satisfying.  Enjoy.

Recipe Time: Sweet Potatoes and Carrots with Chickpeas

Well bloggies I think it's time to share a favourite slow cooker recipe.  This will definitely be used a lot come fall when I am back in the office.  I like this recipe because I can prepare it the night before and you can't really over cook it:

Start by greasing your slow cooker stoneware

Then you will need:

2 Sweet potatoes, peeled and cubed
6 Carrots, peeled and sliced
1 can crushed pineapple, drained with 1/4 cup juice set aside
2 tbsp brown sugar

Topping
1 can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
2 cloves of garlic minced
1/2 cup veg stock
Salt and pepper to taste

In your greased stoneware combine sweet potatoes, carrots and pineapple.  In a small bowl combine reserved pineapple juice and brown sugar.  Add to stoneware and mix well.

Topping:  In a foodprocessor or with a hand blender process chickpeas with broth, garlic until mixture is combined but chickpeas are chunky. Season with salt and pepper.  Spread mixture over sweet potato mixture.

Cover and cook on high for 4 hours or low for 8 hours.

Sometimes I have also been known to add some leafy green, usually kale, for the last 30 minutes of cooking time. Just chop and stir it all into your mixture (no longer looks as pretty but you get some good nutrients from the green power).  Frozen peas work nicely too. For this addition I just put a handful in the bottom of individual bowls and laddle the sweet potato mixture on top.  The heat thaws the peas quickly.

Add some grilled pita or a crusty loaf of bread and you are set.  Crumbled feta also cuts the sweetness nicely too or a little balsamic drizzled on the bowl.

This recipe is courtesy of Judith Finlayson.  Her slowcooker recipes are the best.  They never taste like mush and she doesn't use prepared canned soups so your meals aren't loaded with nasty amounts of sodium.  http://judithfinlayson.com/index.html .  Really, check out some of her books at the library.  She's worth the time and the effort is pretty minimal.  The reward is some pretty fast, healthy and tasty meals.

I hope you give this a shot and enjoy the meal.

Getting Fit: Post Pregnancy

Well bloggers, here goes post number two that no one is reading.  I knew this would be more for myself than anyone else anyhow.  For some reason though I am feeling compelled to spew wisdom (loosely used and full of sarcasm) about someone's fitness ideals post pregnancy. 

Before I was pregnant I would work out 5-6 times a week.  My addiction was a hard core spin class.  The high I would get after pushing my body that hard for an hour was unbelievable.  After I got pregnant, I had to go down to 3-4 times per week.  If I wanted to go more than that I would have had to visit with a sports medicine doctor regularly and the idea of fitting in more medical appointments into my busy schedule was a no-go for me.  So I worked out a little less, did a pre-natal yoga class and just took my dog on longer walks to make up the difference.  The results for me were fantastic.  I gained less than 25 lbs and my whole labour and delivery story was 3 hours.  My little girl came out weighing a perfect 7lbs 4 ounces.  Big enough for her to be healthy and strong and not too big to cause me any damage.

So here I was in lala land thinking once Gracie was 12 weeks old I would stick her in my gym daycare and I would get back on the bike.    Bloody hell my daughter, like her mommy, was a snacker.  She would nurse often but in small doses.  I would have to wait 20 minutes or so before I offered her the second breast.  She just wouldn't want it right away.  And of course, even though I had a freezer full of milk, she wouldn't take a bottle.  I hated the softness of body but I was too tired to care most times.  Then slowly, when she hit about 5 months I made it to my first class, but I was still barely fitting in one class a week.  I was still walking everywhere and I was wearing all my own clothes by the time little girl was 2 weeks old, I just didn't feel right.  I kept sobbing about it to my husband, and honestly folks it wasn't a vanity thing.  I just wanted to feel strong again.  My body was something that I always depended on and it never let me down, and now I just felt like this awful shell of a human being.  And then it happened.  I said screw it.  This first year still isn't about me.  It's about my Belle.  She's building up stores of iron, and learning how to eat  and I need to be as gentle and kind to myself as my friends and family were being with me.  So what if I am not as fast as I used to be.  It'll come back.  I'll make the time when my Belle can eat square meals and not need me as much.  She's almost a year old and it is easier to take her to the gym now, so I do.

I also was fortunate enough to have a kind friend who's a pharmacist that pulled me aside during one of my I hate how my body feels moment to kindly remind me that my Belle was taking all my iron.  Even though I eat really well I knew she was right.  I had low iron before I got pregnant and have had issues with my iron for over 15 years.  Taking an iron supplement was more than helpful.

What isn't cool is a few fitness instructors and so called friends who say stuff like "so-and-so had a baby too and is here all the time".  Well what they fail to realize is "so-and-so" has family close by to watch their baby, I have no one.   Secondly, my gym daycare is great but I have to pay separately for that.   When you go on maternity leave every penny is accounted for and on top of my monthly membership fee I am paying $4 for parking and $10 for daycare each time I work out.  Seriously, add that up and I would be paying an additional $170/mos just to go 3 times a week. Even if I bought my Belle the $40 monthly pass, with parking I would still be paying and additional $88/month to work out 3 times per week.   If you are fortunate enough to be in a situation where that is something your family budget can accommodate I am really happy for you, but it's  not something we can all do.  So you know what people who tell me others manage to work out more than me, back off.  My social and fitness life has a budget and I have to make due.

I was in my favourite spin class yesterday morning, and the instructor is a beautiful woman who is 37 weeks pregnant herself.  There I was sweating, pushing and barely breathing and I was staring at myself in the mirror, thinking your body is gorgeous enjoy this moment.  Who cares if you won't be here again until 3 days from now.  You will be here again, don't worry about exactly when.

Six months to clear the fog

My first blog entry and I have decided to fill it with something that no one will share about motherhood.  I hated the first six months of being a mother and spent most of my time going what the hell was I thinking.  I used to love my life.  I had a great job, worked with creative, caring and wonderful people.  A hot husband with a steamy sex life and we traveled whenever we wanted to.  I traded it all in to become a bloody cow every two hours with nipples so severely cracked that I was in pain and bleeding most of the time.  I couldn't even complain about lack of sleep because my 100% breastfed daughter slept through the night by 8 weeks.  Even before that she was giving 4 hour chunks at night.  (I know lucky bitch, what are you complaining about).  I think my mom said it best.  She had me at 18 years old, and she just adored having me in her life right from the start.  I waited until I was 32 and by then I had developed such a strong sense of self that I resented the intrusion my daughter brought to my life.  How did this resentment shift ? Living in Toronto provided me with a life line I didn't know I would need desperately.
Living and Learning with Baby brought to you by Toronto Public Health was just what I needed.  http://www.toronto.ca/health/parenting/living_learning.htm  As you get older it's difficult to extend your circle of friends in a meaningful way.  I have wonderful supportive friends who were also having babies but I wasn't geographically close to them.  Joining this group provided access to public health nurse weekly and I met an incredible group of women about my age going through the same thing as me.  I am an older mommy, who wants to be perfect in everything I do without a clue of what to do when I doubt my choices.  My group consists of a family doctor, flight attendant, dietitian, social worker, not-for-profit event planner, Brazilian IT consultant, legal assistant, high school teacher, marketing professional and me, an adult education portfolio manager.  When would I ever have a chance to be with such diverse and exceptional women?  These women provide me with support when I feel as though I am failing miserably at what everyone and their dog claims to be the 'most important job in the world'.  Motherhood is important but at times it does lack mental stimulation. (Seriously, I found myself recounting to my husband how many poopy diapers my daughter had)  I am not sure how long these women will be in my life, but for the past year they have been critical to my confidence in learning how to do this new job.

I will be heading back to work shortly and I am terrified of handing over the day-to-day care of my daughter to someone else.  But it's also a job I don't think that I want full time so I have to accept that someone else will be doing it and probably not the way I would like.   I think having my daughter matured me in a way I didn't know I was capable of. It took me about 6 months to feel as though I was doing better than treading water and now I am starting to feel like I love her for who she is not just because I am supposed to love her. This has been the steepest learning curve of my life.

Now bring on the rest, I'll try and get ready for it...