Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Six months to clear the fog

My first blog entry and I have decided to fill it with something that no one will share about motherhood.  I hated the first six months of being a mother and spent most of my time going what the hell was I thinking.  I used to love my life.  I had a great job, worked with creative, caring and wonderful people.  A hot husband with a steamy sex life and we traveled whenever we wanted to.  I traded it all in to become a bloody cow every two hours with nipples so severely cracked that I was in pain and bleeding most of the time.  I couldn't even complain about lack of sleep because my 100% breastfed daughter slept through the night by 8 weeks.  Even before that she was giving 4 hour chunks at night.  (I know lucky bitch, what are you complaining about).  I think my mom said it best.  She had me at 18 years old, and she just adored having me in her life right from the start.  I waited until I was 32 and by then I had developed such a strong sense of self that I resented the intrusion my daughter brought to my life.  How did this resentment shift ? Living in Toronto provided me with a life line I didn't know I would need desperately.
Living and Learning with Baby brought to you by Toronto Public Health was just what I needed.  As you get older it's difficult to extend your circle of friends in a meaningful way.  I have wonderful supportive friends who were also having babies but I wasn't geographically close to them.  Joining this group provided access to public health nurse weekly and I met an incredible group of women about my age going through the same thing as me.  I am an older mommy, who wants to be perfect in everything I do without a clue of what to do when I doubt my choices.  My group consists of a family doctor, flight attendant, dietitian, social worker, not-for-profit event planner, Brazilian IT consultant, legal assistant, high school teacher, marketing professional and me, an adult education portfolio manager.  When would I ever have a chance to be with such diverse and exceptional women?  These women provide me with support when I feel as though I am failing miserably at what everyone and their dog claims to be the 'most important job in the world'.  Motherhood is important but at times it does lack mental stimulation. (Seriously, I found myself recounting to my husband how many poopy diapers my daughter had)  I am not sure how long these women will be in my life, but for the past year they have been critical to my confidence in learning how to do this new job.

I will be heading back to work shortly and I am terrified of handing over the day-to-day care of my daughter to someone else.  But it's also a job I don't think that I want full time so I have to accept that someone else will be doing it and probably not the way I would like.   I think having my daughter matured me in a way I didn't know I was capable of. It took me about 6 months to feel as though I was doing better than treading water and now I am starting to feel like I love her for who she is not just because I am supposed to love her. This has been the steepest learning curve of my life.

Now bring on the rest, I'll try and get ready for it...

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